Writing my Journey

I leave for Europe tomorrow.

Words can't describe the emotions I'm going through...It's been a roller coaster the past few weeks. Saying "goodbye" never gets any easier the more times you say it. And part of me is terrified that I won't be able to do my job well, or will be super stressed the whole time, or have a dreadful case of homesickness...I've always been one to borrow trouble like that, and it's hard to just stand on my faith in God when these doubts are flying at me like arrows.

Please pray for me. I am excited, but it's going to be hard to leave.

NOTE: I probably will not be on HSA much, at least for a while. And I doubt I will remember to update this blog as well as my other two, so check out my Xanga: http://www.xanga.com/thousandmiles2go I'll be posting pictures and updates there as I have time. I'll miss you all!!

I leave for Europe on Wednesday.

Four days.

And my life is filled with last-minute packing and saying "goodbyes." I've discovered that I hate saying "goodbye." Even though I know it's only for a few months (I'll be home in December and plan to get together with many friends during the break). It's still hard to hug someone and know you will soon be thousands of miles away.

[  Currently: Eating oatmeal cream pie (getting my last kicks in with American fo ]

I hate stress.

A couple of weeks ago, I sold my old iMac G3 laptop on eBay for a couple hundred bucks. I packed it up and mailed it off, and assumed everything was fine. Today I checked e-mail to see that the guy who bought it had written to me three times and was threatening to file a formal complaint. Apparently he had the wrong address listed on PayPal and so I sent the computer to a place where he would never receive it. But he didn't tell me this until four days after I'd mailed the package.

So he'd e-mailed me three times and I hadn't received them until today because I don't check that address every day and even when I do, it's so full of spam that it's hard to tell the legitimate messages from the junk. I went to PayPal and saw that the money is in dispute and no longer in my account. He'd filed a complaint that he "never received the item"...hmm. I wonder why. Maybe because he gave me the wrong address to send it to?

So...just what I need. More stress. When I saw that the money was out of my account, I couldn't handle it anymore and Mom took over. She wrote a stern e-mail stating just the facts. And now I've heard back from the guy; he seems to have come off his high horse and hastens to assure me that oh no, of course it's not my fault...it's PayPal's fault for putting the wrong address on the invoice. Okay, whatever. I just hope I don't end up in the red after all this is sorted out. At least I have a wonderful mom who will handle it for me, because there's no way I'll be able to deal with it after I leave for Germany next Wednesday.

And silly as it seems, I'm glad the guy isn't mad at me anymore. Even if he had no reason to be in the first place. I don't like it when anyone is mad at me. But maybe I need to get over that...

I'm looking for some new CDs to add to my collection before I move to Germany. Music is important to me -- especially during stressful times and changes -- so I'd like to get something new in addition to the same-old. My favorite group is Caedmon's Call, but I also like Chris Tomlin, Alathea, Jeremy Camp, Jars of Clay, and Matthew West. I like a folk sound, but I don't like cheesy or sappy.

So...suggestions, anyone?

[  Currently: Playing literati (scrabble) ]

I draw close to God only to realize that there are depths of Him that I never imagined existed. Although I know Him, and I love Him, there is so much still that I don't know about Him yet...and it will always be so, no matter how much I seek Him.

It reminds me of C.S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia, where there's a quote somewhere about Aslan seeming to get bigger, more complicated, and more powerful the older the children get. I'm finding that to ring true as I grow older as well.

[  Mood: Confused ]
[  Currently: Reading Daisy Miller by Henry James ]

Does it ever seem like life would be easier to live without emotions? They're such a lot of trouble and often don't get us very far. Those that are wonderful are wonderful, but those that are not...are definitely not. Still, I suppose life would be too dull if we were mere robots, with no dreams and desires and joys and sorrows.

[  Currently: Reading The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde ]

Cross-posted from Xanga...

Ooh. I love how sleepy I get after I swim. Today I swam 20 laps; the most I've swam (swum?) at once this summer. Now I'm deliciously drowsy.

We have all the windows in the house open because it's so beautiful outside. Yes, it is mid-July in east Tennessee and it is not humid! At least, not humid by our standards. There's a pleasant breeze blowing and it feels wonderful outside. I doubt that Germany will be this warm, so I'm trying to enjoy it while I can.

Yesterday afternoon, Mom and I were next door in my grandparents' yard with my aunts and Grandma when an older couple came walking up our street. Mom had brought Gracie (our dog) next door to play with my grandparents' dogs, and she started barking at the couple as they walked by. We didn't pay much attention; Gracie often barks at people who walk by (though it's usually ones who are walking their dogs), and my grandparents' yard, like ours, is bordered by a fence so she can't get into the street.

Well, when this couple got closer the man started yelling at Gracie: "Get out of my space! Get out of my space!" We all looked up in surprise -- I mean, hello; our dog is behind a fence in her own yard! My aunt and mom assured the man that the dog was contained and couldn't get to him. But instead, he started yelling at us, "Get your dog out of my space!" He continued screaming at us while his wife remained quiet, and they quickly walked on up the road.

Mom said she also saw this couple walk by the other afternoon. None of us were outside, but she heard Gracie barking and someone yelling, so she looked out. The man was waving his walking stick at Gracie, yelling at her, and mocking her as she jumped up and down behind the hedge (which she does to try to see over the barrier).

This kind of thing scares me. I mean, these people look like perfectly innocent retirees. But in my opinion, any man who behaves this way has other issues. Yes, it might be annoying to have a dog bark at you...but the dog is inside a fence, dude. She can't even get close to you!

So anyway, we had a family conference about this last night and decided to keep a close eye on the situation. My aunt thought perhaps we should go talk to him and apologize next time we see them walk by, but my dad said that no, we don't have anything to apologize for, and since he's obviously unreasonable, it would probably make the situation worse. So we're just going to watch out for him and see what happens.

[  Mood: Cool ]

(Here's a piece I wrote several months ago. It's a bit different from my usual style.)

SPACE

I am staring straight ahead, unblinking.

As far as the eye can see, the land is empty. Colorless. Blank. I can’t stop staring at it. Not even a tree stump or a fence post interrupts the view. There are no visible signs that humans ever lived here. In fact, there are few signs of any life at all. The land that stretches before me is not even land: it is ice.

My thick coat begins to fail against the frigid temperature. I am shivering. Stamping my feet on the snow-covered ice, I try to preserve the warmth I have left. Anything to keep my blood flowing.

I look down at my pack, lying where I’d dropped it on the ice. My provisions are gone–except for the last can of meat, which is frozen solid. I have no way to defrost it. I have nothing to eat, nothing to drink, and I am alone.

Alone. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. My teammates abandoned me. Why? Didn’t they know they were signing my death sentence by leaving me out here?

My anger warmed me up a bit; otherwise, it is useless. I will never find my teammates, and they will never find me. I left the campsite two days ago and trekked in the direction I hoped was toward the research station, but now I know I was wrong. Now it is too late: I am in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by space. Empty space.

I’ve dreamed of this all my life. Exploring is my passion. I remember coming here for the first time as an eager graduate student. The vast landscape seemed beautiful then–the same empty space that looks horrible now.

Then, as a professor emeritus, I was happy to return to this place. After a fulfilling career in academia, I was offered the opportunity to live here full-time, acting as a guide for visiting faculty. I grew to know the terrain like the back of my hand. My life was full, satisfied. Finally I could be content.

What happened? I thought I could trust my teammates on this trek–all of them were professors from my home university. I argued with them about silly details; I knew the protocols, and they didn’t. I was leading the expedition, but when things began to go wrong, they wouldn’t listen to me. They ignored my academic honors, my experience, and my achievements. They abandoned me in this place that I used to love–but now I hate.

I did everything right: I got an education. I pursued my dream. I achieved all my life goals and more. I worked, toiled, and sweated. I kept my life busy and full.

What went wrong? When I stare at the empty space, I feel like I’m looking in a mirror.

I’m exhausted. I can feel my heart slowing down. I’m going to die here, and now it’s too late to fill the empty space inside me. Now that it’s too late, I know what could have filled it. Something I said I didn’t believe in. I said love was a myth, but now I know it’s the only thing that can fill the space. The empty, cold, horrible space.

[  Currently: Reading Richard II (Shakespeare) ]

I'm still so behind on stuff pertaining to the online world. I've been reading but not writing, which means a still-full inbox and a lack of updates here. And I just mentally reviewed my schedule for this week and realized my life isn't letting up anytime soon...

WED:
11:15-12:05 -- swimming
(will probably get lunch somewhere or pack one since I don't have time to come home and go back to the campus area where my dentist is)
1:30 -- dentist appt.
8:30 -- Bible study (which I'm looking forward to because we didn't meet last week)

THURS:
9:40-3:30 -- regularly scheduled college classes
evening -- drive to Bryan College with Mom for their "Little Women" play, which we'll attend with Michael (never thought he'd voluntarily watch a "Little Women" production of any kind, but apparently he will when he has friends acting in it. I still think he should have played Laurie...That would be a hoot. ;-D)

FRIDAY:
8:30-10:30 -- teaching (and an early morning after the previous night's galavanting)
11:15-12:05 -- swimming

Sheesh, I hope I don't catch the cold my dad has or I'll be done for. Of course, I could eliminate a few of these things if absolutely necessary, but I'd have to cut out the fun stuff first and I don't want to do that. (Isn't that the way life always goes, though?)

By the way, I think my swimming class is going to be okay. Please keep me in prayer regarding that, though. I was about to panic when the teacher said, "This isn't a beginners' swimming class. I expect you to be proficient in freestyle..." Aaagh! I can swim laps, but I haven't done freestyle in years (I usually do side-stroke or breast-stroke). Some of the things she said made the class sound difficult, but others made it sound do-able. I talked to her after class, explaining that I'm not sure about the freestyle but that I'm comfortable in the water and am used to swimming laps. She said, "As long as you're comfortable in the water, you'll be fine." No problems there; I practically spent my childhood in the water! What I'm worried about is my lack of formal instruction. I can swim, but not...properly. Heh. She said they'd have drills to work on strokes, so I'm hoping, hoping, hoping I haven't gotten in over my head (no pun intended) with this class. Please pray with me that it works out, because I would hate to not graduate because of a silly one-credit P.E. course. (My pessimistic side weeps at the irony of it.)

And I'm off. Have a good evening, all.

[  Mood: Sleepy ]
[  Currently: Listening to God of Wonders (Caedmon's Call) ]

Well, I survived my three tests in succession. It wasn't too bad...I got a considerable boost when Dr. H. handed me two homework assignments when I gave her my test; I got an A on one and an A+ on the other. I've been doing well on the responses and assignments in that class, but still -- it means a lot when your most respected English prof gives you an A and writes "Exactly!" next to a paragraph in your paper.

It is true that I'm a Words of Affirmation person. When Hannah and Elissa were here, we were discussing love languages at one point. Hannah's main receiving one is also Words of Affirmation, and we were hashing out exactly what that means. It's not that we need constant flattery -- on the contrary, I'm very suspect when people appear to be flattering me, and am extremely wary to believe anything positive that is said about me, period. Honest compliments are fine, but if they're too glowing, they make me blush (and, as usual, doubt that they could possibly be true). Affirmation is different. When I need affirmation, I need someone to reassure me that I'm on the right track. That I'm not failing miserably. That I'm going to survive this. Thinking back, the statement teachers or mentors have made that had the most impact on me is simply, "I believe in you." One of my first English teachers told me that about my writing, and it's stuck with me for years. She probably doesn't even remember saying it, but I do.

So anyway, back to Topic A. The tests went well, as far as I can tell. The first two (Shakespeare and Medieval lit.) were chiefly essay tests and the last (Geography) contained multiple choice, true/false, fill-in-the-blank, matching, and essay questions. Be it known that I despise true/false questions. They're so dumb! I don't think they are an accurate way to test someone's knowledge of a given subject. Apparently, however, many professors do not agree with me.

The weather is in that limbo stage between summer and autumn here. This morning I was freezing in Greek Civ. lecture, partly because it was cool outdoors and partly because they had the A/C running in the cool basement room. Just when I was regretting my choice to wear capris and sandals, however, the weather began to warm up. By around 2:00pm, I shed my jacket. Then I got hot walking back to the car and turned on the A/C because it was so hot inside (I'd parked in the sun). It seems to be a trademark of the in-between seasons in Tennessee to turn on the heater during the morning commute and the A/C during the afternoon drive.

Well, I'm off. Have a good evening, all!