(Follow up to last years article "I Praise G-d because I drove a Saturn")
I'm tired of being depressed about things.
The pretext to my previous article that many people probbably missed was Laura. All of those things things that had seemed perfect for me them; the saturn, hillsdale, etc. were not in the end what G-d really wanted for me. He gave me better things after he took the things I had grown attached to away.
I've had a hard time reclaiming the memories i had with Laura. I love her because of those memories we shared. I love her because I love the memories. I wondered how I could reclaim those good memories that were tainted with Pain. But G-d is smarter than that in the way he designed me.
I, along time ago, wrote an article on how people see the world. Most specifically about how I see the world. I don't really enjoy anything much on my own. I enjoy things (Dancing, Ren Fair, Shopping, Ice Sakting) because i am with people. Im not a people person in the strictest sense, but I get the most joy out of things when i can feel and absorb the joy that others get from it. I see the beauty of the world through other peoples eyes. This is why I loved Laura: She was happy, and full of joy at the world. I could see incredible beauty through her.
This is why I have been so confused about things. My emotions were quite a contradiction to me. I know I don't love Laura anymore. I don't expect there to be reconciliation of that relationship. I hope I never have to see her again. At the same time though, remembering her can be so debilitating. For a long time i struggled with the paradox of how i could be over it and yet be so affected by memories. But, again, it was the joy I had in those memories that I loved. It makes perfect sense that I can not love the person but love the joy of those memories, the joy that came from that person. That joy is something I can and have found again.
I want to be with people who have real joy that I can share. This is why Verity fundamentally annoyed me and i became gruff and short with people: most of the ones i interacted with were not really joyful down deep. They may have been happy, but for the most part there wasn't Joy that I could expirience with them. There were a few exceptions, namely Aly. Donny was another person, back home who I could simply enjoy life with because he enjoys life.
It worried me a bit that I may not be able to find someone with whom I can share joy to that degree again. Laura and I shared that joy freely after a long friendship and built up trust. I love to get to know someone on that level again, but even so the question of "Will it ever be the same?" is somewhere in my head. But here I come back to the comparison of my cars.
I drove a 2002 Saturn L300 that my parents bought for me just before college. It was a nice car. Stable, reliable, powerful, good looking, everything I could want. It was sure, and wouldn't change. It was guaranteed to be everything i wanted it to be. I never expected it to be taken away, and part of m still misses it. Now I Drive a 1995 Firebird that I bought for myself. It's not as stable, it needs some work. Sometimes I worry that it may not start. It needs cosmetic work. It isn't as sure.
To me, Laura was sure. Being with her was the path I liked, I expected, it made sense and worked for me. It was a given, and obvious to anyone who knew us at the time. She would have most definitely given me the vicarious joy that I love. But as much as it had seemed like the right path, in the end, it wasn't. Now the path that I'm on isn't as sure. It doesn't promise to be as fulfilling as the saturn was sure to be. There are problems with it, and there could be more. The long and short of it is that I don't know if it will work out.
I'm afraid there is not grand conclusion. I'm on an unsure path, with no promise of the deepness and joy I had before. But its the path I'm on. I'm not afraid of what G-d will bring me now. I have faith that everything I need and want will be met. I'm done being depressed and overwhelmed by things of the past, at least in this area. I'm going to drive forward on my unclear bumpy road in my awesome, unstable car. I deserve the opposite, but by grace G-d has given me both.
I pray that this will be the last depressing, self indulgent post on this topic. I hope that I can again start to write about the greatness of my Savior and the beauty of His gospel.